I started 2018 with the intention to live in a state of gratitude. I honestly wanted to stop viewing myself as a victim to my circumstances and learn to see EVERYTHING that happens as a gift. Even the "shitty" moments. This perspective shift was not easy at first, it took a lot of mental fortitude and constant reassurance. I can remember working on the Disney Wonder, after being yelled at by a guest being denied a photo with their favorite character, exhaling, then saying, "Thank you, Universe I'll take some more please." Not really believing my own gratitude, but I knew that I had to "fake it till I make it". After more moments like that one, I found myself starting to give thanks as an automatic response and genuinely smiling after encountering "negative" guests, and soon found that the same response works with positive interactions as well.
It's not much of a secret that I want to be in a relationship, but given my nomadic and unpredictable career it is not something that I actively pursue anymore. I did not necessarily "give up", but I also did not see myself as worth someone's time. I thought I was "too flighty, too random, too ambitious" for anybody to want to get to know, it was easy to hide from these fears by staying focused on various projects and burying myself under a mountain of self-help books. I now understand that "busy" can be another form of avoidance. STORY TIME: I was sitting on the deck reading "Start With Why" by Simon Sinek, when this cute guy let's call him, JC, stopped to show me he was listening to the same book on his phone. At first I thought nothing of it, until I started writing in my journal that night. I was certainly thanking the Universe a lot, haha. We started to spend time together, getting to know each other and talk about our beliefs, upbringing, and life. He introduced me to many new authors/speakers and in general just had a good vibe I was really attracted to. (Note: for some strange reason, time seems to move both slow and fast on a ship. It's easy for relationships to bloom quickly given the close quarters and at the same time a 3 day cruise feels like a week) Fast forward to JC having to debark the ship, I'll admit I was attached and not looking forward to the next day knowing that I would be listening to the latest podcast alone. I remember my mind sliding from loneliness to gratitude as quickly as that little bubble tool used to check if a picture frame is level. Eventually the scale settled on the side of solace, but that only came after repeating, "Thank you Universe" Thank you for helping me learn to co-create a space where we could both express our highs and lows without judgement. Thank you for showing me a reflection of the love I was withholding from myself. I started to see all of the time spent with JC was to help me realize that I'm worthy of romance and those earlier thoughts do not serve as "deal breakers" for others, so why keep them for myself? The pain felt when he debarked hurt, but it was only when he left I could begin to refill that void with a new view. JC never intended to hurt me, it is just how the cards were dealt, but that does not void all the events from our brief time together. What truly matters is the lesson learned. I am worthy! TAKEAWAY: We all are worthy but it is not easy to always see it hidden beneath toxic thoughts and fear of the unknown. For myself it took some floating on the high seas, for others it may come from a career transition, birth of a child, or death of a loved one. Each of our journeys will be different, it's up to us to reflect on the situation, give thanks, and carry on. My wish for 2019 is you continue on your path knowing that nothing can take away that which is already in you!
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Luckily, I made tiny notes everyday on my calendar so remembering things is a breeze! (Which I totally recommend, if not an actual calendar check out the app Day One)
Looking back I'm glad to say that my resolutions of #NoFear2013, #OneSmallStep2013, and #SeizeTheDay2013 lasted throughout the year and motivated me to take more chances and live a happier, fulfilled life. I've gotten to meet some amazing people, try new things, travel to awesome places, realize a few dreams, and gain a better understanding of myself. I wouldn't change a thing about the last 365 days and can only hope that the next 365 will be even better. I have a resolution to add to the mix, #SelfAware2014...This is a promise to not be afraid to be myself (the whole self) at any time. To be aware of moments where I am at risk of dulling my shine for someone else's sake. There have been so many messages appearing in society to be yourself ("Let It Go", "Firework", "Born This Way", etc.),and not that I haven't listened to it before, I'm just willing to take it one step further. And I'm challenging any one reading this as well...Let yourself go...be crazy...be vulnerable...be upset (but don't dwell on it)...Don't do it for others, but do it for yourself! Wishing you a happy and prosperous 2014!
In April of this year I was selected by the Trevor Project (a national suicide prevention program) to help bring their new "Ask For Help" campaign to life (more information can be found here).
We as a society should also embrace people we see going through difficult times instead of just writing them off or labeling them "soft" or "weak" because even though we may not understand the entire situation, sometimes a simple gesture of support/sympathy can make all the difference. This is something I couldn't be more proud to support and think that more people should know that it is okay to reach out for support from loved ones or even the help of lifelines, like Trevor Project, instead of dealing with things by themselves. To view the final shot, check under "Reels" link... “Inspiration is what keeps us well.” Within the past couple of weeks, friends have come up to me saying they are embodying #NoFear2013 or #OneSmallStep2013 in their lives in some way. I can't help but feel incredibly honored by this and feel proud of the fact that my little personal resolution is able to resonate with other people. For me, there is nothing as exciting as to knowing that people are taking risks/chances in lives and I wish anyone about to take that leap of faith the utmost success. That being said, I feel that I must let it be known that it is those people, and countless others who may or may not realize it, who continue to inspire me. I used to think that inspiration could only come to me when I'm sitting in a room alone with New Age Pandora in the background. Then, and only then, would a muse descend down and fill my head with thoughts I had never thought before. Yeah, not true at all. It is when I witness one person holding the door open for a flood of people, or someone practicing a newly acquired skill and finally nailing it, or even a silent but friendly smile exchanged between two strangers. These small, seemingly insignificant, acts are what drive me to be a better person. It is during these moments that I am reminded of the large effects that come from small packages. But now I'm asking, WHAT INSPIRES YOU? I am calling anyone who takes the time to read this to take note of places/moments in your life that inspire you. When you find those events do whatever it takes to remember it (write it down, mental snapshot, voice recording, whatever), and allow it to motivate your next move. You never know who you could inspire in return... "The way to develop self-confidence is to do the thing you fear and get a record of successful experiences behind you." - William Jennings Bryan Over the last three days I went on three different auditions, and learned something from each one. But that isn't the point of this blog entry.
I'm sure that we have all been in a situation where we feel our stomach drop into our bowels and ready to explode out our poop chute. That was me on the eve before my audition weekend. I was beyond nervous and was given some great advice by my friend, Dan Reckard. "You gotta go in there with confidence, even if you don't know what the hell you are doing." (Coming from a jazz musician's perspective) "You can be the best trumpet player in the world, but if you don't give the audience a glimpse of the confidence in yourself, they won't be confident in you." BAM! Those words hit close to home. Which lead to this blog post. What is more important, confidence or technique? One can be the best singer at an audition, but lack the level of confidence to be great. On the contrary, the singer who makes a few mistakes but goes through their audition with the utmost confidence, their performance moves from good to fantastic. Confidence is something that when truly displayed (not in a cocky, conceited manner) overshadows the telltale signs of fear and doubt. There is nothing more attractive and engaging to watch then a person with confidence. There comes a time when you have to pull confidence out of your ass, but not let anyone know that's where you got it from (or maybe you do). Not only can it help out in auditions, but in many different aspects of our lives. Take note in your life where fear is present and arm yourself with confidence. Confidence can be the greatest enemy of fear. It's crazy to believe that 2012 has come and is leaving us so soon. I feel like I just started to get to know it. Oh well! This just means that it's on to bigger and brighter futures. Before I begin, this post needs a little backstory...
Once upon a time (Dec 31, 2011) I decided to make a NY resolution to not be afraid to go after the things I want in life. We've all been there right? "I would totally audition for that show, but I'm afraid I won't be what they are looking for..." Or my personal favorite, "I would totally ask that person out on a date, if I weren't afraid of them laughing in my face when I do it!" Tired and fed up about it I decided enough was enough. I decided to not let Fear be the ultimate factor in my decision making. So I vowed to not be afraid any longer. END OF BACKSTORY I will admit, it's the ONLY resolution in my entire life I've kept for the entire course of a year. Not only that, I discovered that Fear presented itself in so many different aspects of my life that it was actually holding me back not only from my dreams, but some simple daily activities as well. Once I made the decision to not be afraid, I can honestly say my entire outlook on life shifted. I have taken bigger risks and opened myself to a wide range of possibilities and that can only expand from here. So now I'm embarking on another No Fear (from now on referred to as NF) resolution this time with a couple of additions. One of my best friends and I are taking the well known Latin phrase, "Carpe Diem" and applying it to all 365 days of 2013. This does not mean we are to satisfy our delusions of grandeur everyday (but whose to say we won't). Rather we are to make every day matter and (as he put it) "be aware that we aren't just being lazy bums all day". So now we have NF and CD (or STD if you will) but WAIT THERE'S MORE! Another good friend of mine and I were inspired by "The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step". Signing up for the dance class, going on that audition, learning a new skill. Too often we focus on the big goals and get discouraged on the journey. We have decided to take pride in our little "achievements" that get us closer to our dreams. So there you have it. My mindset for 2013: Seize the day everyday without fear as I take the small steps toward my dreams. #NoFear2013 #CarpeDiem2013 #OneSmallStep2013 |
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