I started 2018 with the intention to live in a state of gratitude. I honestly wanted to stop viewing myself as a victim to my circumstances and learn to see EVERYTHING that happens as a gift. Even the "shitty" moments. This perspective shift was not easy at first, it took a lot of mental fortitude and constant reassurance. I can remember working on the Disney Wonder, after being yelled at by a guest being denied a photo with their favorite character, exhaling, then saying, "Thank you, Universe I'll take some more please." Not really believing my own gratitude, but I knew that I had to "fake it till I make it". After more moments like that one, I found myself starting to give thanks as an automatic response and genuinely smiling after encountering "negative" guests, and soon found that the same response works with positive interactions as well.
It's not much of a secret that I want to be in a relationship, but given my nomadic and unpredictable career it is not something that I actively pursue anymore. I did not necessarily "give up", but I also did not see myself as worth someone's time. I thought I was "too flighty, too random, too ambitious" for anybody to want to get to know, it was easy to hide from these fears by staying focused on various projects and burying myself under a mountain of self-help books. I now understand that "busy" can be another form of avoidance. STORY TIME: I was sitting on the deck reading "Start With Why" by Simon Sinek, when this cute guy let's call him, JC, stopped to show me he was listening to the same book on his phone. At first I thought nothing of it, until I started writing in my journal that night. I was certainly thanking the Universe a lot, haha. We started to spend time together, getting to know each other and talk about our beliefs, upbringing, and life. He introduced me to many new authors/speakers and in general just had a good vibe I was really attracted to. (Note: for some strange reason, time seems to move both slow and fast on a ship. It's easy for relationships to bloom quickly given the close quarters and at the same time a 3 day cruise feels like a week) Fast forward to JC having to debark the ship, I'll admit I was attached and not looking forward to the next day knowing that I would be listening to the latest podcast alone. I remember my mind sliding from loneliness to gratitude as quickly as that little bubble tool used to check if a picture frame is level. Eventually the scale settled on the side of solace, but that only came after repeating, "Thank you Universe" Thank you for helping me learn to co-create a space where we could both express our highs and lows without judgement. Thank you for showing me a reflection of the love I was withholding from myself. I started to see all of the time spent with JC was to help me realize that I'm worthy of romance and those earlier thoughts do not serve as "deal breakers" for others, so why keep them for myself? The pain felt when he debarked hurt, but it was only when he left I could begin to refill that void with a new view. JC never intended to hurt me, it is just how the cards were dealt, but that does not void all the events from our brief time together. What truly matters is the lesson learned. I am worthy! TAKEAWAY: We all are worthy but it is not easy to always see it hidden beneath toxic thoughts and fear of the unknown. For myself it took some floating on the high seas, for others it may come from a career transition, birth of a child, or death of a loved one. Each of our journeys will be different, it's up to us to reflect on the situation, give thanks, and carry on. My wish for 2019 is you continue on your path knowing that nothing can take away that which is already in you!
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THE STORY:
Getting ready for an audition and I was having the usual pre-audition inner thoughts: "There will be many people better than me at this audition" "There's no way I can do this" "This will just lead to hurt and disappointment". I was able to recognize these thoughts as not my own and knew that as much "help" they were trying to be, they just had to be placed somewhere outside of my head. So I wrote them in my "Mayan Worry Doll Notepad" Listing out my fears caused a shift of perspective, I zoomed the lens out and suddenly I found a deeper meaning to this audition. It no longer was about my next tour/paycheck but a vehicle to fulfill my purpose, entertainment through storytelling. Future audiences would not be able to witness their favourite characters come to life and experience the heroic adventures in a massive arena setting if I did not attend the audition. This audition was either going to bring me in front of those hypothetical people or prepare me in some way to be in front of some other audience. Removing the layer of self-inflected pressure, I was able to release my mental grip on the situation and surrender to the will of the universe. I was released early from the audition but NOT before: making a new contact with tips for my upcoming UK trip, reuniting with friends from different chapters in life, and being advised to audition for another production by the company. None of these seemingly insignificant incidents would have occurred if I stayed at home, AAANNNDDD when I remind myself that everything happens for a reason I maintained a smile and kept my head up leaving that audition space. Ready for the next audience who needs me! THE TAKEAWAY: Anyone who prepares for an audition, interview, or even Tindr date, has similar thoughts pop up (but if you are reading this and thinking, "Ha, that's not me" I'd love to discuss your mental ninja skills) and sometimes will find themselves down a dark rabbit hole unable to return. That rabbit hole can take many different forms like numbing through food/alcohol/drugs, social media rants about Infinity War spoilers, or making oneself "busy" with work/social engagements. Whatever shape the rabbit hole, ultimately it is our fear manifested. When the fear strikes we must strike back, but not in the ways we are accustomed: public posts on social media, lashing out to others, hiding behind the ever-popular line, "I'm fine". Why not write things out, talk to trusted friends, meditate or pray? I am inviting you to transfigure your fear. Discover ways to take the focus off yourself and see any vulnerable endeavor as a means to fulfilling your purpose, whatever you believe it to be. See examples below:
Audition: "This is the way I get to showcase someone else's work in the world...and possibly get paid while doing it"
Interview: "This is the way I get to provide services to help make the world a better place...and get paid while doing it" Date: "This is the way I get to spread love in the world...and possibly get laid while doing it"
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