Dear Father, It should not come as a surprise that things you have done in the past still affect me in the present and will continue to have an effect on my future. Some of these were positive and some negative, but I don't want to ascribe any labels to it. They happened for my greater good. I needed a father who pushed me into sports to let me know I didn't like them. I needed a father who wasn't consistently present to teach me I had other family support in his absence. I needed a male figure to reject me based on my sexuality to develop a thick skin and show me what I would eventually face in the real world. I'm writing all of this to say "thank you". I see now that you weren't doing any of this to directly hurt me. You were trying to protect yourself. The image you had for your life and everything contained within it. You held on with such power that you could not open up to see the glorious, radiant child standing just outside your grasp. But that's okay. I stepped out from the shadows of shame, abandonment, and homophobia into my own light. Without you, none of that could have happened. So I thank you. You might feel like our estrangement is a direct reflection of my "hatred" or "resentment" toward you but I ask that you don't see it as such. Rather know this, I have nothing but love and compassion for you. I also have it for myself, and my self-love means not opening myself toward sources of pan and darkness. Perhaps one day an unconditional relationship can be created between us but as of now, I'll know that I'm doing well without you and because of you.
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LGBTQ+ Pride events may look like loud, crowded, overstimulating gatherings of people wearing anything between titty tape and thongs to full fur outfits on the outside. That particular aspect cannot be debated but that is one layer to the onion (or rainbow) of Pride. As a member of the LGBTQ+ community I am aware that sexuality is not my sole defining quality. I am cis-male, black, gender non conforming and each of these can be divided into sublayers too. There are countless other qualities/aspects to this collection of stardust that is my life. I am a performer, thinker, (to some degree) an empath, Disney loving, musical reenacting, hard working, stilt walking, therapy going...you get the picture. I'm a multilayered hyphen of individuality, as is every single person on Earth. For a while the widespread prejudicial belief was a LGBTQ+ person could only be defined by their sexual preference and consequently fell into all subcategories that accompanied, most of which hold negative connotations. A few include being a sexual predator, mentally ill, and a social degenerate. Pictures were being painted based off of one paint stroke. Pride is the event to challenge those preconceptions not in a militant, protesting way but in a celebration of acceptance and unity. That is what I see/feel/believe at every Pride I attend. Pride is the best place to practice radical acceptance. A key element to freedom, because when I accept "what is" I waste no time bound to how things "should be" and can appreciate things "as they are". I see all of what humanity can achieve/express/create and how it can exist in this world that at times seems hellbent on non heteronormative erasure. Everyone at Pride is bringing their most authentic selves out from whatever "closet" it might be forced to reside in and live without fear of job loss, discrimination, or hate. This past weekend I shed tears walking the parade route, some caused by sweat and tears running in my eyes, and some from seeing a sea of people who each had their own stories, struggles, and desires but were connected by love and pride. |
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