Dear Father, It should not come as a surprise that things you have done in the past still affect me in the present and will continue to have an effect on my future. Some of these were positive and some negative, but I don't want to ascribe any labels to it. They happened for my greater good. I needed a father who pushed me into sports to let me know I didn't like them. I needed a father who wasn't consistently present to teach me I had other family support in his absence. I needed a male figure to reject me based on my sexuality to develop a thick skin and show me what I would eventually face in the real world. I'm writing all of this to say "thank you". I see now that you weren't doing any of this to directly hurt me. You were trying to protect yourself. The image you had for your life and everything contained within it. You held on with such power that you could not open up to see the glorious, radiant child standing just outside your grasp. But that's okay. I stepped out from the shadows of shame, abandonment, and homophobia into my own light. Without you, none of that could have happened. So I thank you. You might feel like our estrangement is a direct reflection of my "hatred" or "resentment" toward you but I ask that you don't see it as such. Rather know this, I have nothing but love and compassion for you. I also have it for myself, and my self-love means not opening myself toward sources of pan and darkness. Perhaps one day an unconditional relationship can be created between us but as of now, I'll know that I'm doing well without you and because of you.
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