Dear Father, It should not come as a surprise that things you have done in the past still affect me in the present and will continue to have an effect on my future. Some of these were positive and some negative, but I don't want to ascribe any labels to it. They happened for my greater good. I needed a father who pushed me into sports to let me know I didn't like them. I needed a father who wasn't consistently present to teach me I had other family support in his absence. I needed a male figure to reject me based on my sexuality to develop a thick skin and show me what I would eventually face in the real world. I'm writing all of this to say "thank you". I see now that you weren't doing any of this to directly hurt me. You were trying to protect yourself. The image you had for your life and everything contained within it. You held on with such power that you could not open up to see the glorious, radiant child standing just outside your grasp. But that's okay. I stepped out from the shadows of shame, abandonment, and homophobia into my own light. Without you, none of that could have happened. So I thank you. You might feel like our estrangement is a direct reflection of my "hatred" or "resentment" toward you but I ask that you don't see it as such. Rather know this, I have nothing but love and compassion for you. I also have it for myself, and my self-love means not opening myself toward sources of pan and darkness. Perhaps one day an unconditional relationship can be created between us but as of now, I'll know that I'm doing well without you and because of you.
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LGBTQ+ Pride events may look like loud, crowded, overstimulating gatherings of people wearing anything between titty tape and thongs to full fur outfits on the outside. That particular aspect cannot be debated but that is one layer to the onion (or rainbow) of Pride. As a member of the LGBTQ+ community I am aware that sexuality is not my sole defining quality. I am cis-male, black, gender non conforming and each of these can be divided into sublayers too. There are countless other qualities/aspects to this collection of stardust that is my life. I am a performer, thinker, (to some degree) an empath, Disney loving, musical reenacting, hard working, stilt walking, therapy going...you get the picture. I'm a multilayered hyphen of individuality, as is every single person on Earth. For a while the widespread prejudicial belief was a LGBTQ+ person could only be defined by their sexual preference and consequently fell into all subcategories that accompanied, most of which hold negative connotations. A few include being a sexual predator, mentally ill, and a social degenerate. Pictures were being painted based off of one paint stroke. Pride is the event to challenge those preconceptions not in a militant, protesting way but in a celebration of acceptance and unity. That is what I see/feel/believe at every Pride I attend. Pride is the best place to practice radical acceptance. A key element to freedom, because when I accept "what is" I waste no time bound to how things "should be" and can appreciate things "as they are". I see all of what humanity can achieve/express/create and how it can exist in this world that at times seems hellbent on non heteronormative erasure. Everyone at Pride is bringing their most authentic selves out from whatever "closet" it might be forced to reside in and live without fear of job loss, discrimination, or hate. This past weekend I shed tears walking the parade route, some caused by sweat and tears running in my eyes, and some from seeing a sea of people who each had their own stories, struggles, and desires but were connected by love and pride. When I write these entries, I feel all sorts of fear. Fear of trolls, fear of changing opinions about me, fear of sounding stupid. Of course all of these are unfounded and silly, but speaking them outloud gives me power over them. This fear shows up in almost everything I decide to share in some degree. I call it my "social media anxiety". These posts are not meant to be Pulitzer prize gold. Often they are my (as Brené Brown calls it) shitty first drafts. They are the rawest, unedited version of thoughts put into words. They come without a filter and sometimes without a clear direction in which they are heading. With every post I'm fighting my conditioning to make things "perfect". I'm trying to embrace and accept the messiness of my mind and understand how it operates. I know that I am the observer of my mind/ego which drives my fear based thinking but I'm meeting it on a (more or less) daily basis with empathy and compassion. I'm able to see my thoughts and their deeply rooted origins and call myself out on my "bullshit". See how things served me in the past and make a more conscious decision how I want to progress in the future. Sharing my shitty first drafts has become a tool that helps me explore the space between who I am and who I want to be, and try to align the two a little better. Some days are easier than others but I'm enjoying the discovery. There's a saying out in the world that goes, "Never meet your heroes, they're sure to disappoint you". I suppose this could be sound advice for someone living in a fear based mindset. But when I met one of my heroes I was so glad that I did. Karamo is someone I felt an immediate connection with since I first saw Queer Eye. The reason I believe I felt so connected comes down to representation. It's a very reassuring thing for my personal journey to see a proud gay black man who values connection and mental health simply thriving in life. To follow his journey which he shares so openly has been on of the factors leadding to my participation in the #100DayProject. I don't necessarily aspire to be like Karamo in his path and choices, but he makes me believe that the best version of Brandon is more than good enough. To Karamo: there's so much I tried to say in our brief meeting but know that you inspire so many black boys to bring their authentic selves to the spaces that they might not feel invited to. I hope you continue using your platform and power to blaze trails for folks like me, so we can turn right around and do the same! I might be alone in thinking this, but statistically that's impossible, so I'm gonna keep writing. Why is there this unspoken yet socially defined line between humility and pride? Where did I learn that being proud and boastful is bad? Who is the one that defines the line I'm so fearful of stepping over? What do I fear is on the other side? I suppose rejection and abandonment (repeating patterns in my life). How is it okay for me to pump up my own friends and family but doing it for myself holds a negative and undesirable effect? I should not expect myself to be able to give credit where credit is due to others if I can't give it to myself. I think that's why I can't easily take compliments from others. Part of me isn't used to hearing it from myself, so its a foreign energy coming in and the antibodies of my brain (the ego) are fighting them off. I see nothing wrong with self celebrating whenever one feels like it, I'm trying to overcome the scarcity mindset that if attention is placed on myself then there isn't anything available for people just as deserving of all the praise. Single parents, working students, people coming to terms with trauma, all of humanity deserves to see themselves as celebrities. To know they are worthy of all the praise heaped on them by others and know they are most deserving of hyping themselves up too. One source of fear for me is making sure I stay grounded knowing that as bright as my light shines, it doesn't dim the light of another. The purpose of shining my brightest is to show that others can do the same. From now on I accept my shine and gladly make room for others without playing myself smaller. I'm ready for a world full of humans who feel all their emotions, take chances on love, follow their bliss, and celebrate their imperfections. These are the celebrities I want to see! My new hairstyle sparks so much joy for me that I cannot help but smile. This rainbow hair is not meant to symbolize only LGBT pride. It symbolizes non binary pride, pride for being a person of color, pride for being human and all the different hyphens that it encompasses. I'm elated at the fact that my existence can be fully expressed via my body often without question. Then I think about what's happening to women in particular states all over this country. They are not able to live without having governmental interference regarding their own bodies, the one thing in the Universe they should have sole ownership of. My heart hurts for them. My heart also hardens as it feels the familiar sting of fear and shame. This government is using personal convictions amplified by fear and shame filtered through an all encompassing lens. Women should be celebrated as the badass biological miracles they are. We should honor their bodies and all its magical capabilities and they should be free to utilize its power however they deem fit, just like I can do with my hair. I'm not trying to trivilaize an anti-abortion law by comparing it to rainbow extensions. I'm trying to illustrate that I believe all women should live as free as they want with their bodies just like a male can. I stand with pro-choice candidates and organizations. I will continue to advocate for equality. I will always stan a female who knows her worth and can stand in her power, I will also make way for my sisters who can lead teams, businesses, and nations! I will support any decision a woman makes regarding her body because I have nothing to do with it. I recognize my biological privilege and ask my female friends: WHAT ELSE CAN I DO? I am currently fighting the feeling of unworthiness brought by a lack of productivity. For four years of my DCL career I had my daily schedule planned out. I even scheduled in naps. It was regimented and predictable. I longed for days when I could do nothing. Sesame Street Live came along and I was given what I wanted, opportunities to do nothing but still work. Now I'm "funemployed" again. I love the freedom that comes with it, but I am responsible for filling up my schedule. This sort of autonomy is fresh and exciting and certainly welcomed each time I get to experience it. It is days like today, where I don't really leave the house, I get bogged down with my thoughts and insecurities of inadequacy. It's easy to fall victim to the narrative of a work culture demanding productivity and equating it to one's worth. I'm beginning to understand and accept that one doesn't cause the other in my life. They operate independently from each other. The shift in my perspective is helping me move away from my conditioning of instant gratification and surrendering to the forces that are moving outside of my view to bring me my next adventure. I do trust it all and believe it's happening, but that doesn't stop the worry and desire for certainty. I suppose that this is my opportunity from the Universe to learn to sit and be still, something I couldn't do during the DCL days. This could also explain why I have trouble meditating consistently, although its called practice for a reason. Yesterday I cried...multiple times...even through the opening number. I cried as a celebration, my tears shiny wet pieces of confetti. This experience and all those involved far surpassed my expectations. Each of them showed my new perspectives and the beauty in our differences. We all had something to contribute to the consistent excellence of this show, whether we believed it or not. The creative team saw it, our audiences saw it, and over the last few days I finally caught up. So yeah I cried, not to mourn that which is passing but to honour its existence. I was blessed by the Universe to portray one of the most iconic characters in the world, travel around the country with strangers who bypassed the friend zone straight to family, and get paid while doing it. At times during this tour I didn’t think I would make it this far, but I did. So I cried for myself, expelling any trace of self-doubt with each tear. I did not cry because the tour is over, I cried because the tour happened. This tour happened at a time I wasn’t sure what life would be like without the magic of Disney behind me. But I felt the fear and took the leap and have grown stronger, smarter, and kinder because of it. I like to think that somewhere somebody thinks they cannot do or achieve something and they saw our show and its journey and know they too can make their own magic. I've been sitting in a strange emotional space the past couple of days. Not positive, not negative, but peaceful but in a rather rocky, tumultus way. I am in the middle of the binary scales of different emotions, stuck between the excitement of summer and the sadness of tour ending for example. I suppose this is the messiness of being human. Never being able to fully inhabit one emotional space without awareness of its opposite. Now comes my opportunity to practice nonattachment, something ranking pretty high in difficulty. Try as I might, I cannot take this cast with me and keep things the same. I am attached that's for sure and the next few days will bring waves of melancholiness. I will need to practice nonattachment with those waves, in an effort to avoid becoming stuck in a victim mindset. To allow myself the inevitable sadness and watch as it passes through me, most certainly with tears included. I've learned that not allowing myself the space to grieve or cry is attachment masking as strength. Society has taught me to value strength as a black man but I'm ditching that stereotype for vulnerability and softness, however that decides to present itself. I accept the fear that comes with the joy, and the sadness that comes with anger. Removing myself from the binding binary scale of emotions to inhabit the free range space where I can be exposed to any and all the emotions at once, allowing each to wash over me in waves. Every time I cry or express genuine laughter, I'm releasing old patterns and blocks to see things in new ways. This is one helluva ride but it's too easy to attach myself to the lighter emotions just as I can to the heavier ones. The difficult thing is to just be, and that's the lesson. I started writing this morning unsure of where my mind would take me. I'm not entirely sure if this all makes coherent sense, but I'm battling my resistance and need to be perfect and post it anyway. On this journey to decondition myself I reached a layer of negative thinking and started to explore it. Of course it's my ego clinging tightly to my soul, like Gollum and his precious ring. It believe it is protecting me but it's actually suffocating me. Effectively preventing my light to shine at its brightest. Why though? The ego cannot be alone and needs me, but I don't need it. The ego is where my name lies, my job title, my social status and familial position. All the identifies I adopt to move through the physical realm on Earth. Some I've adopted and others placed upon me, which I believe I chose but became conditioned to. As a baby when I cried I was soothed by a parent and immediately felt better. The conditioning started at an early age and has evolved over the years as I entered adulthood. Now when I cry, or feel bad, I expect or await some outside force (shopping/drinking/sex) to make me feel better. Somewhere along my journey I learned from society/media that crying is a sign of weakness, so now any emotional trigger that could elicit tears are immediately followed by an ego based reaction. That energy goes toward whatever outlet I choose. My personal choices used to be shopping or working out. Granted, I still enjoy both of those activities but they are not my responses to sadness. Now I sit with the feelings, I write down the feelings, I speak the feelings. I assure myself that I am going to be okay and in any given situation. I'm stepping into that role of soothing caregiver for my emotional needs. This is my definition of self-care. Showing up for myself instead of retreating to Amazon. Creating the safe atmosphere I need to facilitate the healing necessary for whatever I'm going through. I took trip to Six Flags Great Adventure in New Jersey that brought me a realization. I’m about a week away from finishing this contract. A week away from seeing my home and my dogs. A week away from being “funemployed”. A week away from pressing resume on the life I had to put on pause back in LA. I’ve got a laundry list of plans including health appointments, reunite with friends, travel plans, circus classes, audition for summer gigs. All these goals to accomplish in a limited time. When I think about it all I get a little overwhelmed, stuck in a story based on fear and scarcity. Constantly fighting back thoughts about falling short of my own expectations, but that day at Six Flags I chose to focus on joy. I donned one of my favourite crop tops, slipped into a pair of sparkly metallic Converse and made my way with friends in tow. The sun beamed on my skin as I ate overpriced park food and waited in lines for the rides. I laughed at the silliest of things and really let the problems of the outside world really melt away. The day was spent connecting with my friends, barely even on my phone because we weren't allowed to bring them in line for rides. It was a cute baby digital detox of sorts. When the day ended walking to the Uber I only felt gratitude and joy. It was until scrolling through my phone did the weight of my reality come back to its resting place upon my shoulders. This time however I was carrying the pressure with a smile because I still remembered all the joy and love I felt throughout the day rather than the fear of not being strong or resilient enough to withstand it all. My lesson that day was a preview of what happens when I do the less "adult" thing and lean into joy. I trade my worries about the future, which I know I can't control yet still try, for the present moment and open myself to those high vibrations I love to ride so much. I will try my best to not forego opportunities for pleasure and fun in an attempt to avoid pain or discomfort because they'll always be there in some manifestation while the joyous moments are more fleeting. I struggle with abandonment. That's a bold truth I don't easily share, but part of my journey toward accepting it. These feelings of being unwanted, unworthy of love, and undesired seem triggered out of nowhere, but I all stem from the same place. The earliest memory I can pinpoint is my father leaving. Now that I'm a little older I know I am not the reason for his absence but that doesn't stop the shame and blame from playing in my head. On the playground, or many social settings in school, I dreaded being picked last or even being the last in line after recess ended. I viewed these as direct afronts to my fear of feeling unwanted, which might have manifested itself in an overachieving student nature. I'm guilty of conformity from these early days doing what I can to make it seem like I was worthy and not be abandoned. I made extra sure to be the friend who was everybody's friend, and like things that other kids liked. I remember watching South Park because others talked about it, knowing good and well I had no interest in it. This is what abandonment does, even as innocent and juvenile as this act. A fear of not belonging makes a child more apt to give into peer pressure. Well really, that same applies no matter the age. Abandonment even shows up in my romantic pursuits if I leave my mind unchecked for too long. The minute I get close to a guy I become hyper aware of my actions and behavior. I do my best to make sure I continue bringing my authentic self forward, but sometimes my vulnerability takes charge and I opt for the "Brandon Lite" version as opposed to the full premium version. Sometimes I can catch myself and switch back, but not before I berate myself with questions like: Is it too late to be authentic? What if your boldness with life scares him away? I heard "when authenticity threatens attachment, attachment always wins" on a podcast and that could not be any truer in my life. I can even equate physical space with abandonment. The story I tell myself is: the more distanced someone can appear from me is a direct relation to how likely they are willing to abandon me. A quick getaway or favoring a better option or possibility over me. This fear has the ability to transmute itself into jealousy which brings its own baggage while being driven by abandonment. Of course this is a ridiculous thought, even typing it out makes me roll my own eyes. I'm learning to sit and accept this side of myself ideally without judgement. I don't say any of this to sound like a self aware brag, just putting a light on my shadows and acknowledge that I have the capacity for the dark. In my process of healing, the step of letting go is followed by moving forward. Not a "forgive and forget" combo but rather a "forgive and forge" mentality. This is when the responsibility of healing falls into my hands. But how do I move forward and avoid the same pattern appearing in a different form. I need to become familiar with my feelings. Life likes to haphazardly delivers blows like a MMA fighter and sometimes I am left shaken and bruised, ready to throw in the towel. Before I jump back into the fray, I do some required introspection in my corner of the ring. I question. I analyze. I confide in close friends I can trust with personal information about my inner state. This step is rarely easy because I'm used to doing things on my own and still learning how to ask for help. I apprehensively give others autonomy to do whatever they want with things I hold in close importance. Instead of carrying the burden of certain truths and realities seeking help helps me in letting go. Each time I'm able to tell my story the power weakens because I am becoming more and more acquainted to its face, as unwanted as it may appear. By having more support in the arena with me I am gifted outside perspectives to help shift my personal perspective. These new viewpoints bring relief from the victimized narrative I keep replaying in my head. I can now identify the negative stories popping up in the garden of my mind like weeds and start the process of removing them. Each story removed hurts; the amount of pain in direct relation to how deeply rooted it was. In its space is opportunity for something new to grow. I use the accompanying tears to begin watering the new seed (story or understanding I chose to tell myself). The ground from which these new thoughts spring forth is still affected by the old roots that are no longer present, but isn't stopped from doing all it can to provide a beautiful environment for the new blooms. We all want to believe that we are the stars in our own play of Life. All dialogues pertain to us, the inciting incidents of every plot directly affect us, all eyes from the audience are watching our every move as we play the scene before us. But I think we are more than just the star, we are the Swing. Follow me on this one. Swings learn multiple tracks from lead to ensemble. They have to be the most adaptable, flexible performers onstage ready to step into any role at a moment's notice. I'm going to start thinking myself as the swing track of my life rather than the star. This doesn't mean I am foregoing my desire to fame, fortune, praise and all material things afforded to the lead role. I'm just not putting all my stock in it because the star isn't able to see what else is happening on the stage. But look at the swings in the background of the stage: they are invested in their own interactions onstage while also contributing to the entire main scene going on in the forefront. I can let my ego be the star, let it "think" its really driving the show through all the ups and downs life's drama inevitably brings. When it goes into "diva mode" and starts misbehaving (giving into anxiety, worry, fear) I as the swing can step in and rectify any mistakes/misunderstandings/blocking errors from the perspective of my truest self. I'll tell me ego to "take five" As the swing I know the life is so much bigger than being the star. It's about the moments with other ensemble members sharing those onstage moments that rarely get noticed by audience members but make the whole show worth performing. I'm not trying to insinuate that having a lead role is bad, but I personally believe that more tracks I can fit into the more I joy I get from performing the play. I have something that I wanted badly and now that I finally have it, all I can focus on is all the ways I can lose the opportunity. I constantly worry that it'll disappear when I'm not looking. All it will take is one wrong move to send it running to the hills, never to return. I have an idea what's happening, the present moment and all the joyous feelings associated with it are being robbed from me, but I am doing it to myself. I imagine this must be something similar to what parents go through as their children go from infancy to adulthood. It must feel like time is against them and just ticking toward some doomsday where their fears become realized. I don't necessarily have a direct answer or advice on how to stop running myself ragged with my own emotions, but I hope a solution appears soon. It feels kinda strange leaving this "unresolved" but that's the effect of being a work in progress. I think I can pinpoint a place to begin healing this part of myself. Instead of focusing on any negative associated with potential loss I can focus on the fact that although nothing lasts forever; it should give me some comfort that all that is meant for me will never miss me. I just wish I could have an ounce of control. I grew up with a warped definition of “relationship”. I am a child of divorce and as such only gleamed part of the root beneath the dissolution of my parents marriage. To this day, I still do not feel that I have the full picture, but that isn’t the point of this entry. Since I saw my parents often disagreeing and unable to reach peace, I believed healthy relationships were built on constant agreements. I thought if I always bent my will to appease the other party I was doing the necessary work to ensure a healthy relationship. What I was really doing was providing an excellent foundation to be walked over by so many people. Afraid to be strong, afraid to offer my differing position, afraid to live. I can see how this patten repeats itself in friendships, from as early as elementary school to present day. Do I wish I knew then what I know now? Not at all. It could have helped me avoid certain mistakes, but all those mistakes brought me to this moment of being able to write about it now. Relationships I seek now are built on trust and acceptance. Trusting the other individual sees my authentic self expressed through my actions and can still offer unconditional love. Some of the strongest friendships in my life have begun on this requirement and now push me to keep showing up not only for myself but for others as well. I hope we all manage to find relationships (romantic, platonic, familial) where we are challenged to communicate with honesty, show up with compassion, and can continuously offer empathy when our differences are brought to light. Last night I had a dream that I went to the bathroom in the arcade style restroom. I had to score over 590 to win a free movie ticket. So naturally I was determined to piss my way to glory. The scoreboard displayed 600 points and the sound of bells and whistles and flashing lights filled my subconscious vision. That's when I started to wake up, and sure enough it wasn't a dream. 😶😲😵 I have to say that mind/body connection is strong, but that wasn't my initial reaction. You know what was, SHAME! I removed the sheets and got my life together doing my best not to wake up my roommate. I removed the sheets and entered the mental wrestling match of what my next move should be. Do I wash the sheets myself so no one would know? Do I leave it for housekeeping to clean up while I'm out and return like nothing happened? Or do I go down to the front desk, explain the issue, and request brand new sheets. The first two options protect my identity but add a layer of secrecy that provides the perfect ground for my shame to grow as well. Still it's the easier thing to do But I'm not here for easy, I'm here for growth. As hard/embarrassing/fearful as it is, speaking my shame out loud renders it powerless. It means that I'm doing the vulnerable thing of reaching out for help instead of trying to hide. This may seem like something insignificant (which in the grand scheme of life it totally is) but how I handle the small stuff is an indicator of how I handle the big things. The precedent is being set on how I approach shame in the future. Sharing this has been one of the scariest things I've put on social media but since it's not easy I realize that in some strange cosmic way I asked for this. I'm just grateful that things didn't go as 💩-y, if you know what I mean. I cannot remember exactly where I learned about this phenomenon but I can remember a time I was blinded by it. I recently received a bit of criticism that shook me a little bit, despite upon first hearing it doing my best to let it go. However after sleeping on the pesky thoughts they latched onto my brain and developed into the form of truth overnight. I awoke believing every ounce of fault was not only accurate but boldly presenting itself for the world to take notice of as well. This is how my shame likes to present itself, just as loudly as I live my life. I recall spending the entire day thinking my friends were upset and bothered by my actions. Finding evidence in every breath taken between words, shift in body language, and sideways glance thrown my way. The day passed with a somber cloud hovering above. It wasn't until later in the day and some deeper thought applied to the situation I realized that the critique was merely an opinion pretending to be a truth. In addition to the fact that I was selfishly using common occurrences to reinforce the shame I placed upon myself, making it all about me. Since I thought I was at fault everything I saw was in reaction to my being at fault. This is how confirmation bias can often weigh heavy on our spirits. There is an upside to it as well. I choose to see things as signs or reminders of my irrefutable worthiness. I view each loss as a necessary removal of things to clear space for incoming greatness. I think of each setback as the required preparation before my life can reach its top speed. Equipped with these biases there is no way I can be denied anything that I want in life. Last night I had a conversation with my roommate about our respective paths through life and how this tour has affected us along the way. This has been his first contract and my sixth, so I offered up some advice I have learned. He expressed a fear of the unknown because he feels that he has changed over the last 8 months, to which I responded he has most certainly changed but this provides a fantastic opportunity. The beautiful thing I love about touring is the transformation I undergo, and how each time I return home there is a period of reintegration back into "civilian life". It feels like being a stranger in a place that seems oddly familiar yet has a new flow current I need to simply dive into and start paddling. My friends and family also experienced significant changes in their lives too (engagements, career change, pregnancies, etc). Rather than shy away from the changes, longing for a "simpler" time, I approach the new situations from my new perspective. This, however, doesn't mean I don't have fear of bridging the two. Recently in between contracts, I started pursuing interests that piqued my curiosity seemingly foregoing relationships I once valued. These new interests made it seem as though I no longer cared for my "pre tour" life, but I can see now that it was my personal struggle with integration I was fighting. Being on tour I was able to unabashedly focus on myself and my desires for the first time, which was a phase in my personal evolution. I had these changes brought to my attention and I had to reckon with them. When I came home I cut and paste my tour life into my home life instead of finding compromises for both versions to coexist. This is something I fear letting happen again, but with awareness the likelihood is lowered. I have to take stock and keep things that help me live my best life regardless if I'm on tour or at home. "Labels are meant to be used as easy references not as terminologies to cling to or become reliant upon" - Raven Digitalis Labels can be helpful but also harmful if under the proper lens. Nutritional labels are obviously incredibly helpful I'm referring to the labels we apply to people. When I hear "geek" I think: Steve Urkel; when I hear "robber": the McDonald's Hamburglar. Obviously every geek does not resemble Steve Urkel nor does every criminal look like that creepy fast food mascot. I turn from my imagination to the real world and see these labels can't accurately capture people before me. Why keep these clearly inaccurate labels in my mind then? Well, because they bring with them a frame of reference, a starting point from which I can begin to get an idea of how to approach someone. If someone says to me, "I'm a total Disney nerd", then I assume they have seen everything is the studio cannon. Then I discover they have never seen Brother Bear (totally calling myself out here by the way), I have to expand my definition of what constitutes a "Disney nerd" to allow space for some who loves Disney but hasn't seen EVERYTHING produced by the company. The alternative to this is to not expand my view thus creating a limiting belief in my mind. By staying attached to my thoughts and disallowing for any alterations to labels I'm more likely to force people back into the "appropriate box" constructed in my head. Sometimes this use of force is through degrading comments or questioning, "What do you mean you're a "dancer" but can't consistently do a double pirouette?", or even through actual physical violence to use an extreme example. I know I am guilty of a line of harmless questioning meant to inquire but have the unintended effect of shame and shrinkage. I want to change that. I want to start using labels as the ground floor for connection and not as the floor, four walls, and a ceiling too. Last night I saw Dumbo which was alright, not the best acted or best written. I understood the message to be not letting your differences or flaws stop you from reaching great heights, but I don't feel that it was properly explored. I want to pick up where the film left off. Something becoming more reinforced in the mainstream, or at least from my perspective and consumption of pop culture, that "different is good". Society is encouraged to let its freak flag fly because we are fireworks and born that way. The message is present in practically every other computer animated movie, so the question I wonder is, "Does the message need repeating so often?" Not every person wants to watch or even has access to these culturally relevant art forms, but could use a little reminding. Countries outside the US even try to dismantle the spirit of expressed individuality. Inside our borders the beauty/Instagram industry send conflicting messages between being yourself within the confines of a social media aesthetic. That being said, proudly displaying your quirks/flaws/gifts, whatever label you use to mean the same thing, becomes almost a rebellious act. Rebels typically have "badass" connotations, so accepting yourself in your totality is being a badass. We should all give it a try, it could be revolutionary! I'm gonna try to avoid any Elsa references, but no promises! What does letting it go look like? It's having the understanding that "this too shall pass". The awareness that everything is temporary because time slows down for no one. It's a practice of nonattachment to things both inside and outside of ourselves. Inside ourselves? Outer things to let go of include the latest gadgets, cars, clothes, etc. There are some non-material things that lie outside of ourselves but are able to permeate our inner worlds, which our mind will use to make us believe that they were a part of us all along. These things include, but are not limited to judgements, criticisms, praise, and expectations. Rarely do these things manifest in physical form, because they are expressed verbally, but can materialize in the forms of awards, criticism, performance/job appraisals, and such. Once we receive these energies and incorporate them into our beings we risk internalizing and re-manifesting them ourselves. Thoughts become things and these things become pressure placed upon ourselves. The non-physical pressure show up disguised as anxiety, rage, sadness, pride (in an overinflated, excessive amount), and guilt. People express these differently but with some reflection they can identify when these behaviors are present and their source. If they choose, they can let it go or choose to stay attached. The beauty of free will. If you choose to stay attached, as life continues forward the pressures remain and you work even harder to hold on to them. What you resist, persists. If you choose to let things go, the more at peace you feel and the higher vibrations are easier to reach. I'm reading "Big Magic" by Elizabeth Gilbert for the second time. My favorite part so far is what she has to say about permission. This is something that I've struggled with but not been able to name because I haven't put much thought to it until now. As children we had to ask for permission to play outside, to go to the bathroom at school, and countless others. Sometimes permission was granted freely and other times it was granted after completing some sort of task. Finishing some chore or homework was usually my prerequisite. When I think about it, it was my younger years when I began to see the cause and effect relationship between permission and "fun". I'm older now but still following that same pattern: desire -> permission -> expression. The resistance I navigate with each of these posts is coming from my lack of seeking permission. I'm cutting out the middleman after almost 30 years in this routine. I can go from desire to expression on my own and my spirit is ready to soar feeling relief from the weight of needing permission. My mind/ego is going to make me think I still need permission even though nobody is going to give me permission to publicly share these posts. Here's what my ego's permission sounds like: "Brandon, I give you permission to not share your truth with the world. To have all your light stay inside and never make its presence in the world. Which would also mean you, yourself, would pass through life as an unknown feeling like your existence does not matter." To that my response is: "I DO MATTER. I AM ALL MATTER. I JUST AM, and because of that I do not need your permission to matter. All I have to do is, like Nike's motto, is just do it." I have to accept the inevitable feeling of imposter syndrome as it rises, let it pass, then keep expressing what is true for me. One of my best friends flew in from Vancouver, Canada to Cleveland, Ohio to watch my show. After the show we met new friends at a local eatery, where we lovingly crashed a couple's first date and had an up close encounter with the bunny at the bar. Following food we danced the night away and I could not have been happier. Before falling asleep, I pondered the day's events and how I never saw any of it coming. "How did this happen to me?" I asked. "Because you are light, and light attracts light" Dallas responds. After more thought about Dallas's response, I came to this crazy cosmic connection: Once I have my values and beliefs set I can act in true accordance with them. Acting in my truth results in me vibrating at particular frequencies, however high or low that may be. As I continue to vibrate, my actions, thoughts, beliefs begin to be reflected back to me as anything and everyone brought into my purview. I have a little bit of trouble believing it, but that's the truth I'm beginning to understand. I think that there is some divine other worldly force bringing all these good things to me, what I usually call "the universe" manifesting it all, but here's the kicker... I AM THE UNIVERSE! I AM DOING IT ALL MYSELF! I wonder if the resistance I feel toward accepting my part in all of this is my vulnerable insecurities and fear assuming responsibility if things go awry, but that's the lovely part of life, the unpredictability. "For every action is an equal and opposite reaction" - Newton
I'm sitting at this screen trying to find the best way to explain how Newton's Third Law applies to my life. There is a connection between this bit of science and pretty much everything. "Good" exists with "bad", light with shadows, masculine and feminine, the pairings go on and on. When I look at the duality of nature I see the importance of radical acceptance. People who stay victim to their shadows cannot acknowledge their light within, even though it is there. Those who spend all their effort thinking "positively" do not allow the space for negativity to arise, which it inevitably will because what we resist persists. The thing I'm practicing, and accepting, is that each individual concept is just a part of the whole spectrum. It is my decision on which side I wish to reside knowing that the opposite could still be a possibility. |
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