When I write these entries, I feel all sorts of fear. Fear of trolls, fear of changing opinions about me, fear of sounding stupid. Of course all of these are unfounded and silly, but speaking them outloud gives me power over them. This fear shows up in almost everything I decide to share in some degree. I call it my "social media anxiety". These posts are not meant to be Pulitzer prize gold. Often they are my (as Brené Brown calls it) shitty first drafts. They are the rawest, unedited version of thoughts put into words. They come without a filter and sometimes without a clear direction in which they are heading. With every post I'm fighting my conditioning to make things "perfect". I'm trying to embrace and accept the messiness of my mind and understand how it operates. I know that I am the observer of my mind/ego which drives my fear based thinking but I'm meeting it on a (more or less) daily basis with empathy and compassion. I'm able to see my thoughts and their deeply rooted origins and call myself out on my "bullshit". See how things served me in the past and make a more conscious decision how I want to progress in the future. Sharing my shitty first drafts has become a tool that helps me explore the space between who I am and who I want to be, and try to align the two a little better. Some days are easier than others but I'm enjoying the discovery.
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