I started writing this morning unsure of where my mind would take me. I'm not entirely sure if this all makes coherent sense, but I'm battling my resistance and need to be perfect and post it anyway. On this journey to decondition myself I reached a layer of negative thinking and started to explore it. Of course it's my ego clinging tightly to my soul, like Gollum and his precious ring. It believe it is protecting me but it's actually suffocating me. Effectively preventing my light to shine at its brightest. Why though? The ego cannot be alone and needs me, but I don't need it. The ego is where my name lies, my job title, my social status and familial position. All the identifies I adopt to move through the physical realm on Earth. Some I've adopted and others placed upon me, which I believe I chose but became conditioned to. As a baby when I cried I was soothed by a parent and immediately felt better. The conditioning started at an early age and has evolved over the years as I entered adulthood. Now when I cry, or feel bad, I expect or await some outside force (shopping/drinking/sex) to make me feel better. Somewhere along my journey I learned from society/media that crying is a sign of weakness, so now any emotional trigger that could elicit tears are immediately followed by an ego based reaction. That energy goes toward whatever outlet I choose. My personal choices used to be shopping or working out. Granted, I still enjoy both of those activities but they are not my responses to sadness. Now I sit with the feelings, I write down the feelings, I speak the feelings. I assure myself that I am going to be okay and in any given situation. I'm stepping into that role of soothing caregiver for my emotional needs. This is my definition of self-care. Showing up for myself instead of retreating to Amazon. Creating the safe atmosphere I need to facilitate the healing necessary for whatever I'm going through.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
Archives
June 2019
Categories
All
|