I am currently fighting the feeling of unworthiness brought by a lack of productivity. For four years of my DCL career I had my daily schedule planned out. I even scheduled in naps. It was regimented and predictable. I longed for days when I could do nothing. Sesame Street Live came along and I was given what I wanted, opportunities to do nothing but still work. Now I'm "funemployed" again. I love the freedom that comes with it, but I am responsible for filling up my schedule. This sort of autonomy is fresh and exciting and certainly welcomed each time I get to experience it. It is days like today, where I don't really leave the house, I get bogged down with my thoughts and insecurities of inadequacy. It's easy to fall victim to the narrative of a work culture demanding productivity and equating it to one's worth. I'm beginning to understand and accept that one doesn't cause the other in my life. They operate independently from each other. The shift in my perspective is helping me move away from my conditioning of instant gratification and surrendering to the forces that are moving outside of my view to bring me my next adventure. I do trust it all and believe it's happening, but that doesn't stop the worry and desire for certainty. I suppose that this is my opportunity from the Universe to learn to sit and be still, something I couldn't do during the DCL days. This could also explain why I have trouble meditating consistently, although its called practice for a reason.
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