I struggle with abandonment. That's a bold truth I don't easily share, but part of my journey toward accepting it. These feelings of being unwanted, unworthy of love, and undesired seem triggered out of nowhere, but I all stem from the same place. The earliest memory I can pinpoint is my father leaving. Now that I'm a little older I know I am not the reason for his absence but that doesn't stop the shame and blame from playing in my head. On the playground, or many social settings in school, I dreaded being picked last or even being the last in line after recess ended. I viewed these as direct afronts to my fear of feeling unwanted, which might have manifested itself in an overachieving student nature. I'm guilty of conformity from these early days doing what I can to make it seem like I was worthy and not be abandoned. I made extra sure to be the friend who was everybody's friend, and like things that other kids liked. I remember watching South Park because others talked about it, knowing good and well I had no interest in it. This is what abandonment does, even as innocent and juvenile as this act. A fear of not belonging makes a child more apt to give into peer pressure. Well really, that same applies no matter the age. Abandonment even shows up in my romantic pursuits if I leave my mind unchecked for too long. The minute I get close to a guy I become hyper aware of my actions and behavior. I do my best to make sure I continue bringing my authentic self forward, but sometimes my vulnerability takes charge and I opt for the "Brandon Lite" version as opposed to the full premium version. Sometimes I can catch myself and switch back, but not before I berate myself with questions like: Is it too late to be authentic? What if your boldness with life scares him away? I heard "when authenticity threatens attachment, attachment always wins" on a podcast and that could not be any truer in my life. I can even equate physical space with abandonment. The story I tell myself is: the more distanced someone can appear from me is a direct relation to how likely they are willing to abandon me. A quick getaway or favoring a better option or possibility over me. This fear has the ability to transmute itself into jealousy which brings its own baggage while being driven by abandonment. Of course this is a ridiculous thought, even typing it out makes me roll my own eyes. I'm learning to sit and accept this side of myself ideally without judgement. I don't say any of this to sound like a self aware brag, just putting a light on my shadows and acknowledge that I have the capacity for the dark.
2 Comments
Olive Anderson, Tyler’s Grandma
4/25/2019 07:58:13 pm
Brandon I feel like I have known you for years, always looking forward to your videos.
Reply
Leave a Reply. |
Archives
June 2019
Categories
All
|